when the wind picked up

When the Wind Picked Up

I wrote this on April 3rd, 2016 - what would have been my father’s 60th birthday. It was 618 days after his death. This is a letter to myself, trying to make sense of the universe, grief, and what he left behind.

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As my mind wanders during this sad, happy, wild, emotional, beautiful day, I figured I’d reflect. It is hard to fathom Peter would have turned 60 years old today. It is hard to fathom any day without him. Every birthday, anniversary, new year settles in the harsh reality that he is no longer with us.

What a journey we went through when he was sick. I remember every day so vividly. His face, his touch, words that were said, words that weren’t said, the okay days, and the bad days. The experience makes you think about the universe. How does it work? Is there a point to it all? Will we ever see Peter again? Trying to answer these questions will surround my mind the rest of my life; a mental battle I must endure. However, countering the overwhelming sadness, are all the amazing things Dad (the universe) taught me. I am going to do my best to answer some questions that I ask myself everyday. Here it goes.

There is the universe, the stars, planets, earth, the clouds. There is the sky, and the trees. Those trees, exuberant and mighty, show off their leaves. Looking up, through all this mess makes you wonder. What is the point to all of this? When you look back down from looking curiously up, all you get is anxious and scared. Looking up to the leaves, to the trees, clouds, stars, planets, universe gives me hope. This magnificent view. How could someone not have created us for a purpose?

I look up often searching for my best friend. We all look up looking for answers or searching for an unknown. At points in my life, I like to close my eyes, stand up, and try to find myself in the universe. The universe, big or small, offers earth, offers humans, complexity and uncertainty. It is not dying that is scary, it’s living that’s treacherous.

Our mind and our heart try to comprehend all the pain and suffering but it is just too much. We look to the stars. We search the stars through the night sky. We take a breath. We breathe out the cold air and wait. We wait for a voice or sign amongst the bright creatures. Silence. It is always silent. You talk, they listen. They say nothing back.

The Universe, and its mysteries, make losing someone so much more painful. We want to reach out to our fallen loved ones but find no means to the end. Only tears and more tears are shed. Look up once more and know there are others still there for you. There are others like you. As I embark on my journey of sorrow, let me find peace. May the stars shine clear for me.

In order to begin, I must end. The most emotional and beautiful part of my life was experiencing the last breaths and lessons my father taught me before leaving this world. Every spiritual moment was riddled with broken tears. I felt completely helpless, as if I couldn’t really do anything to retain him.

My uncle slowly grabbed me, hugged me, and said “He’s gone bud...” I paused for a few seconds and replied “Are you sure?” and then the emotions took me over. The weird thing was I felt as if the world had been lifted on my shoulders. It was overwhelming sense of weightlessness. The emotional, mental toll my family went through was overwhelming.

My father’s strength kept me strong. His presence spurred me past my pain. As I pushed pass my uncle, I ran quickly to the porch. I watched my hero take one last breath, and that was it. The sun shined bright, the wind picked up, and off he went.

I got to experience life with Peter Moles; I got to experience life with God.

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Will I see him again? For now, I wait. For now I take the values and experiences instilled and created by him and use it for my healing process. I use them to create an amazing journey for myself. My time on this earth is slowly ticking away. I am honored to finish the storyline Peter Moles has created for me.

I wish myself and you the reader nothing but a beautiful life.

-Molesy