god speed
I heard something recently that when someone close to you dies, they give their strength to someone who is worthy. After that warm summer day on July 25th, 2014, it seemed my dad passed me the strength to create the kind of life I wanted for myself. Or so I thought…
I am currently writing at one of my favorite coffee shops in the Columbia Gorge. The sun is shining, the river is calm, spring is here. A woman laughs and throws a stick for her dog in the water, a random man bravely shares his poetry with me, the barista crafts the perfect latte…it’s peaceful.
I can’t say I was at peace after my dad died. Yes there were good times and fleeting moments of peace, but a fire raged inside of me. No one else saw it, nor did I let them and that only enlarged the fire. I guess this is where this book was born. It was born from a place of desperation to put the fire inside me out.
It wasn’t my father who gave me the strength to get through these thirteen years since his passing. It was inside me all along. I did it. I created the life for myself.
Just as I was writing this final letter, a great blue heron came flying along the river. I paused and watched it find a place to rest. For those that don’t know, I like to imagine that it is my dad spirit animal. I have spotted a blue heron at pivotal points in my life. One actually likes to hang out on our property’s pond. I’ve spoken about the Blue Heron’s meaning in my letter - evolve. Maybe I didn’t do alone.
I didn’t know what writing this book was going to uncover, but it has been an evolving process for myself. Creating this book pushed me to my limit and at points it has been some of the hardest times of my life.
I’ve talked about God a few times in these letters and even portrayed my dad has my god. But it seems suffering causes a search for god. Or as Will Durant puts, as long as there is poverty there will be religion. External and internal suffering and poverty creates a god. But if we can get to a place of calm, peace of mind, we internally create transcendent qualities with no need for a god or anyone but us…our true self. That is god. My dad is not my god anymore. He’s just my dad. And I think thats just better for both of us.
So instead of looking out, look in. Instead of holding it in, show the world your true self.
The first time in a decade or more I stopped holding it in. For the first time I felt a wave of peace and lightness wash over me. It was last Thursday. My wife and I don’t have childcare that day and we wanted to get our son out of the house. We went to go grab a coffee at a local spot in town that has a park next to it. We got our coffee and let Beau play for a short while. It was raining pretty hard but Beau and I had fun smashing puddles with our boots. We got back in the car and headed home. Beau fell asleep in the back seat…oh boy. As a parent you want to get him home so you can have him nap in the crib. That way the parents get some ‘me’ time. Today we were like fuck it, lets just drive around the area and let him enjoy a little snooze. My wife and I talked, drove by an old park, orchards, and up the windy road next to an angry flowing river sparked but the copious amount of rain we got this past week.
That’s when it hit me. I have never experienced anything like that before. It wasn’t happiness but lightness. For the first time since my dad died, I felt like it’s all going to be okay. The damn cliche 5 stages of grief landed me at acceptance on that raining drive with my son napping in the back seat. Lost in the up and down, I finally felt connected to it all.
The last few days have felt like a dream. During the last few days, I have come to realize the destination was the reward. My dad is the throughline. Beau is the destination. My wife, Kayla, is how I got there.
My wife, Beau, and I just went to Cabo San Lucas in February to get some much needed sun and ocean time. We stayed at a luxury resort and it happened to be at the same time as the Olympic break. There were many NHL coaches and players there with their families. We drank tequila, ate good food, played in the pool, saw whales, and got to know some of these families. As a hockey player and now family man, this trip felt like a dream for me. My dad taught me how to take advantage of this life and this trip felt like - “wow I did it. Peter Moles would recognize and be proud of this person.”
The quieter I am getting, the less I need to find him somewhere else. The zest and the strength has been in me all along. I have to let go of the past, let go of my dad and those memories. And be here now.
Be here now with my son.
The other day my son and I were playing in our yard. We have a bench outside that faces Mt. Adams. I walk over to the bench. The sun is shining. I look back and there he is smiling at me. “Come on over here bud. Let’s sit on the bench.” He starts moving his little legs and eventually starts to run. He is running toward me yelling “dada! dada!”
I whispered to myself as he got closer, “I’ll never forget this moment.”
Beau, and my growing family, isn’t just a new chapter. It’s a mirror. Becoming a dad cracked me open in a specific way because it put me back in contact with everything I lost and everything I never got to finish with my own father. I am raising a son while grieving the father who didn’t get to see me do it.
But its time to let all that go and live now. This is living baby.
I don’t need to be this perfect person and ignore the fire burning underneath. Perfection is overrated. You can’t start your life with perfection in mind. You just have to start!
Ride the wave, treat yourself & your people with the utmost care, trust your gut and have joy in your heart.
As you get older you naturally start to think about life more often. You spend time in the past and future and less time in the moment. And that’s okay…Just as long as you don’t get lost. It’s very weird getting old. I had a phone call with my aunt and uncle the other day and my aunt texted me afterwards…
“Thanks for your call tonight. I loved seeing you guys. I also love reading what you write. You are so deep, thoughtful and just a great writer. I’m so glad that you have your very own family now- along with your original family- which includes us “old farts. It is very weird getting old. Sometimes I think about the fact that I won’t see what Beau- or my 2-Sully and El- will be when they are grown. Or maybe I will somehow even though my body will die. I won’t see you and Kayla get old. Then I have to stop myself and just live today and be thankful. Life is a wonder, for sure. Thanks for being part of mine.”
Life sure is a fucking wonder. Thank you to my friends and family for being a part of my life.
Flashback.
Here I was in life, 3 years after my dad died, and 7 months removed from graduating college. I picked up my camera and started documenting the journey and that camera has not left my side since.
On that December day in 2017 I took a self portrait of myself on a random street mirror in my neighborhood. My dad always loved these types of photos and I guess I do too. It’s a wonder to look back at and think about where I am today versus where I was. It's interesting to look back and see what has changed and what has stayed the same.
The same - well the mirror is still there and this is me now in 2026… a little bit older…a little bit wiser…but still Marcus Moles. Well, also a few more additions.
There is so much more I’d like to say but I will leave you with an email my dad sent me before I left to go to a hockey academy 3000 miles away from home at 15 years old.
So much I’d like to say, always seems not the right time. I need you to know I’m so very proud of you. What you are doing is very admirably, new family, town, friends and 100 percent hockey. Not to long ago I carried you on my back, hiking, skiing, walking, we feed + clothed+ watched you sleep. We tried to expose you to all we could. You are ready for this, I’m not sure your mother and I are. I know you have good values and you will do your best, and with that, will come success to what ever level it goes. I know you will take advantage of what life give you. Keep a positive attitude, work hard make your own luck, and you will have no regrets. Keep your ears and your hart open, and think of your family, we all will always be with you.
We love you
You are ready
Peter/dad
If you have made it this far, if you took the time to read this book, thank you. Thank you for coming along this journey with me. Time to close this chapter of my life and instead of building for my dad or some other fictitious person in my head, it’s time to build for myself. That’s what Peter Moles would really want. That would be his definition of perfection. That is what I want for you the reader. Keep your head in the clouds and feet in reality. You are ready.
Believe in yourself.
god speed,
-Molesy
P.S. After all this time, I have realized this book is about immense loss through quiet reflection. What is left behind…the love, the lessons, the fire…is not meant to sit in grief or gather dust on a shelf. It is to be lived. Use that fire. Don’t suppress it. Rage against the dying light.
