Get your smile back.

When I was around 17 years old, one of my friends’ dads said to me, ‘Molesy! You have such a great smile. Don’t stop smiling.’ I think of that moment often. Every time I look in the mirror, I think to myself, smile.

I lost that smile at some point in my life. Everyone loses that smile at some point in their life. I believe it is a necessary part of life, a lesson to hold onto.

Your job is to get that smile back. Some never do. The far majority of us drift through life with a fake smile, only to realize, as time passes, that we can never get it back.

I lost my smile when my dad died of brain cancer. I was 21 years old.

The next day, I got up, put on my clothes, and went to the gym. I wanted to keep training for my upcoming college hockey season. It was an emotional session. I remember someone I knew coming up and talking to me. Time slowed at that moment as I realized reality was still going on. The sun would still rise, and the daily routine would take over. I was having a hard time processing my dad's gone forever and my newfound life.

Lift the weight. Forward only. Fake smile resumes.

As my hockey season started, I felt stronger and faster, but still wore that same fake smile. Through those times, I am grateful to great teammates, coaches, friends, family, teachers, and mentors. However, there is a time in particular that still sticks with me. At the beginning of my hockey season, sophomore year, we had a church member come to our locker room. He hoped to meet once a week with anyone willing to discuss God’s teachings, religion, insights, and analogies.

I am not religious in the traditional sense. I had no church upbringing. I was never forced to attend church every Sunday or obey the Bible. I am pleased my parents raised me like that. I believe it kept me curious and contrarian. I didn’t need a God(s) to act respectfully or empathetically.

Despite my feelings, I had an innate curiosity to go to a session with several of my more religious teammates. We shared some stories, but I don’t remember much from the group setting.

However, after my teammates left, I got to speak one-on-one with this shepherd of God. I told him a bit of my story and how I lost my dad to brain cancer a few months ago. I will never forget what he said to me.

‘One day you will thank him.’

For clarity, this man was saying I would one day thank God because my father died.

As you can probably already assume, I never attended another weekly session. Thank him?

Thank him for taking my hero from me. How could I ever do that?

We all must suffer.

“To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.”

- Friedrich Nietzsche

It wasn’t until many years later that I realized he was right. Admitting this was a tough pill to swallow. Even etching these words into my personal history book makes me slightly ill.

Thank God for killing my father? Am I crazy?

Yet, his death gave me everything. It gave meaning to life that no other life experiences would have taught me. Death is truly one of life’s most outstanding teachers.

His death re-priced risk for me and set me on a path towards truth.

Suddenly, everything I wanted to do or try became an internal statement of, ‘Well, you are going to die. So go all in.’ The risk of embarrassment and failure faded away as time became my most significant resource and friend. What is the point of telling you all this, though? Surely you don’t need another cliche tale of death and suffering — YOLO bro.

Life begins when we suffer because suffering re-prices risk and brings us closer to the truth. When risk is re-priced, the fear of acting on a pursuit is substantially diminished.

“Everything you’ve ever wanted is sitting on the other side of fear.”

- George Addair

Fast forward to today, and my son is 9 months old. Rebirth is another one of life’s teachings. Raising a child does not make you happy. Experiencing death and raising a child gives you meaning.

Thank you for giving me twenty-one amazing years with my father. Thank you for showing me that everything arises and everything falls away. Thank you for giving my son. Thank you for showing me that everything lies in the here and now. Thank you for my beautiful wife, who I make read these intense letters.

Smile back.

I also lost my smile when my hockey career ended in 2017. Once again, I was faced with change and washed up on a new shore.

I remember being in denial in November 2018. I wrote this to myself:

I was a kid with a dream of playing professional hockey. Hockey never worked out for me...but in a way it did...it did and it didnʼt. Let me explain. You see I never played professional hockey or made the nhl...But I got to play the game I loved from 6 years old until 25 years old, almost 2 decades of doing something I loved with the people I loved. Amazing teammates and coaches and family surround me along the way...I came back home to my hometown in Lake Placid, New York, after my college hockey career was finished. I was happy, but inside, very depressed. Then I went to dinner at my best friend’s house. His mom is like a second mom to me and I spoke of some of my frustrations…you know never played pro or won any meaningful championships.. I dreamed of being a national champion with my college team...she didnʼt say much...just smiled and shook me off.

”Marcus, you have already won.”

What a wake-up call. I am very grateful for my life.

Smile back.

Let’s get back out there.

“Drained of faith

I kneel and hail thee as my Lord

I ask not life

Though need not swerve the bullet

I ask but strength to ride the wave

and one thing more—”

-Henry Lee in Ghost Soldiers

And one more thing, get your smile back because life is too short not to laugh at the universe’s chaos. Life is too short not to be fearless and happy.

Instagram will make you think everyone is happy when in reality, most are sad and depressed.

X.com and the news will make you think the world is falling apart when in reality, we live in the most peaceful and abundant times ever.

Cut out the noise, unplug, and do less. Listen to the wind, feel the sun on your face, and watch the stars. Choose happiness now. Find meaning.

And for God's sake, smile.

-Molesy

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